Safety, Security, Sensitivity

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me tick and it seems that for me, it's a need for safety and security. Other people fantasize about trips to foreign lands, adventure, romance, carnal pleasure, and dozens of other things. Me? I fantasize about financial and relationship security. Other people dream about movie stars, power, prestige and excitement. I dream about never having to wonder how I'm going to pay my bills or how I'm going to pay for needed home repairs. I sometimes try to actively imagine how it would feel to be able to have a kid come home from school saying they need money for this or that thing and not wonder where I'm going to find the money this time. I can't seem to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It means I keep my goals realistic (mostly) but does it make me materialistic? I don't know, but I hope not.

Akin to that is a need for security in relationships. After my husband proposed to me when I was in college, I used to wake up from nightmares that it was all some sick, twisted joke that he'd set up just to make fun of me with his friends. It didn't take me long to get over that, but it did take me a few years of marriage to be sure that he REALLY wanted to be married to ME. Then, a few years ago there was a pretty serious threat to the marriage. I spent a great deal of time certain that it was over. And it nearly was. It was a very rough time for both of us, and for the kids. Things are good again now, but do I feel complete security any more? Nope. Not yet. I keep hoping it will come with more time. Does that mean I haven't REALLY forgiven? Or does that mean self-preservation mode has kicked in? I don't know for sure and I may never know. But it is getting better, so I'll settle for that - for now.

The big problem with all of this, though, is some of the experiences I've had with threats to my safety and security, is I am much more sensitive now to threats to them than I've ever been at any other point in my life. There are certain books I will no longer read (and I LOVE to read) because of subplots that deal with dissolution of marriages and families. Random comments in dialogue in books, movies, TV, gossip in the hallway strike me much more strongly than ever intended and I have to fight my way back to the main points in the story/conversation. Certain words tend to trigger painful memories that I don't want to acknowledge. And I'm sure I overreact to innocent comments made in the spirit of fun. And I feel this sometimes overwhelming need to tell people not to make the same mistakes I made, even when they're not making a mistake and even when it's none of my business. Sometimes I want to take someone aside and tell them that there are things you just don't joke about. You may think it's all in fun, but to someone out there, what you said is really and truly painful. So, instead, I'll settle for ranting about it here. And hoping that I'll eventually get a handle on my thoughts and feelings that will make it easier to deal with the "real world".

Wish me luck.