A true rant

Yeah, it's time for me to complain in a completely unorganized fashion about something that makes no difference to me personally whatsoever. So be warned.

I was reading the 100 Hour Board today and there was a post that just bothered me. A lot. And while the answer was sensible, I'm not sure I was in love with it either. Here's the question with my commentary:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

This is sort of a sensitive question, and I hope I won't be harshly judged for it.

Dang. A true sign of a guilty conscience. But not enough information here to judge anything.

I am a happily married man. My wife is wonderful. She is intelligent, fun, beautiful, and the best thing to ever happen to me.

Good. Every husband should feel that way. And every wife should feel similarly about her husband. Point in his favor.

But before I dated/married her, I dated another girl for several years. She was a great girl and one of my best friends, but I decided things weren't going where I had hoped, and the relationship ended.

Best friends. Several years. This was quite a relationship. The kind that's really hard to leave behind you. But I'm guessing that after several years, if they weren't going to marry it would be a good time to break it off. Wait. One minor point. He never said WHO broke it off. Was it him because it was going nowhere, or was it her because she felt he was overly possessive or something and she thought they were just friends? That could play a MAJOR role in what he should or shouldn't do.

The thing is, the end was messy. Communication was utterly cut off. Bad feelings existed. I hate it when that sort of thing happens.

So, did she tell you to never darken her door again? Or did you tell her you never wanted to see her again? Either way, are the reasons for the break in communication still valid? If you shut her out so you wouldn't obsess over her, is that still a danger? If she shut you out, was it because you wouldn't take the hint and go and she just wasn't that into you? Or did you both stoop to name-calling and generally childish behavior because the loss of something dear to you was so hurtful? And does this sort of thing happen to you often? Or are you just trying to make light of something painful?

So the crux of the matter: though this was quite a while ago, the bad ending still bothers me. I still feel guilty on occasion.

Yeah, I'm breaking up a paragraph here. Get used to it. He feels guilty. So he told her to take a flying leap and broke her heart or acted exceptionally childish. Got it.

Not only was she not my girlfriend anymore, but I feel like I abruptly lost one of my best friends.

One of the worst things about the breakup of any long-term relationship. It's your friend you miss most. Seems reasonable to me.

I still think about her occasionally, wondering how she's doing and if her life is all right or laughing at something we did together or realizing she would be a great person to talk to about a certain subject, and then I feel horrible for thinking of her when I have such an amazing woman in my life.

Occasionally. Like every few months or more? Heck, I still think of my best friends from grade school occasionally and the things that we used to do. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. Or my first crush. Or whatever. So, is he feeling guilty because he remembers her? Or because he longs to be with her again? There's a HUGE difference there. I'm guessing he remembers other girls he dated (if there were any) or his first crush or whatever, too. Does he think about her that way? Then just go on with your life. Or is it more of a case of wanting things back the way they were? (Hint: they'll never be the way they were. Never.) Oh, and a reminder that his wife is amazing. Is he trying to convince himself? Or us?

What do I do? Do I just continue to wait it out (as I said, this happened a while back), or should I seek closure? Should I try to contact her, or leave her completely out of my life? And if that's the case, what do I do about the thoughts that still make me feel like scum?

A while back? Like a few months ago? A few years ago? A few decades ago? The answer may be different in each case. I liked the idea of a letter of apology if he feels it is necessary so he can move on. Ideally, that should have been done long before the marriage, but the world is seldom ideal. But he needs to decide what he would like to happen after he sends said letter. Depending on the circumstances, he may never hear from her in response to the letter at all. In which case the only benefit to him would be putting those feelings in one place so he can get rid of them. And perhaps he does owe her that apology. But what if she responds? Will he reply to that, starting an ongoing conversation, either consciously or subconsciously? What does he do then? Is that what he's really after? He needs to know ahead of time what he would do even if she responded professing her undying love and telling him that she's been waiting for him after all this time. Because that may be a can of worms better left closed. Again, it all depends on who ended it, why, and how.

I just want to be completely true to my wife, and I don't know what to do to resolve my issues. Thanks for your advice.

Resolving an issue would be disloyal to your wife? That worries me more than anything. This sounds almost more like a how do I get over someone letter than anything right here, and I've already ranted about that.

- Troubled

Hmmm.... Troubled is right. See, it all depends on how often occasionally is, how far back some time back is, and what he wants out of it. If he wants his best friend back, I'd say get over it and get on with your life. If he feels bad that he was a cretin, then apoligize, let it go, and get on with your life. But either way, the answer isn't to let her be his best friend all over again. See, that can lead to ALL sorts of trouble, that I may or may not rant on some other time.

One other random thought, perhaps he should write that letter for it's cathartic effect, and then either burn it or tear it into little pieces. It works well when you're angry with someone. You write down all the hurtful things you want to say but know you shouldn't. Then, somehow, having gotten them out, you can destroy them and find out you didn't need to say them so much after all.

I'm just glad this isn't me. I wish him the best of luck. No matter what he decides to do. And I think I'll pray for both him and his wife tonight.